The Life of a Vagabond....

Since a week I can't seem to stop thinking about my life at Welham; a boarding school where I spent 7 years of my life from 1994-2001. I can't seem to shake off this strange feeling of nostalgia.....even in my dreams I go back to Welham...the only place I felt at home.

The reason for it struck me when I googled the meaning of the word 'vagabond'. It means "a rootless wanderer"; an aimless wanderer who has no established residence.

My life after school has been of a vagabond. For the last 8 years I have not stayed in a place for more than 2 years. I have not known a place which I could truly call home. I have constantly drifted from one place to another in search of some unknown thing.

I want to write about the last 8 years and the places where I have lived. I am not mentioning anything about the holidays and vacations when I went home.

2001-02: This was my first year in Delhi and also my first year at Shaheed Bhagat Singh College. I lived with my cousins in gurgaon for 7 months. After long years at an all girls boarding school I found it traumatizing to sit in those haryana roadways buses from mehrauli to gurgaon...I didn't know men could be that disgusting. I found Delhites rude, materialistic, narrowminded and absolute hypocrites. The Delhi weather was another story.... my definition of monsoons & winters changed soon. Thankfully I moved from gurgaon as my cousin sister got married and I went to bareilly for a few months. I gave my first year exams from my taiji's house in Delhi. After the experiences that year I decided to never stay with relatives again!

2002-03: I moved to Dolly's PG in Kailash Colony. I made Lifelong Friends in this place, got drunk for the verrrry first time. Made endless trips to M-block market & got bad stares from salesmen for never buying anything. We didnt have a night life because we had to report to the PG by 8 ' O clock. Our nights were mostly spent gossiping, cooking maggi or watching TV.
This was the year I got my first ever nervous break down during exams. My parents had to rush to Delhi as I couldnt stop crying and thought I would flunk all my papers. Prior to this the only time I had shed a tear over studies was when I got 83% in my class 12 boards.

2003-04: I spent 10 months in the same PG and got thrown out for getting Jaundice during my third year final exams. I was even asked to get a medical certificate which said that jaundice was not contagious. The last 20 days of my college life were spent at my father's friend's house in vasant kunj. Thankfully I only flunked one paper!!
This was the year my parents made me see a boy for marriage just 10 days before CAT. I thought my life had ended.....I was worried about the many crushes....what would happen to them??

2004-05: I went to live at home after 10 years. I spent 4 months in Bareilly recovering from Jaundice, 3 months at my mausi's house in Lucknow where I prepared for CAT, I spent the remaining 5 months in Bareilly, I also worked at career launcher for 2 months. I kept going to Delhi for MBA entrance exams and interviews.... the only time I spent with my friends that year. The good thing about this year was that I got to stay with my family and actually got to know them.

2005-2007: After a year at home I was extremely relieved to be on my own again. I was an MBA student at IMT Ghaziabad....the most exciting part was that I finally had no restrictions. I could do as I wanted. I did get a culture shock initially...the freshers party was the first time I had been around so many drunk Boys....and what with the boys living in the girls rooms and vice versa. No one would believe me but it took me a month to visit the boys lobby. After the initial excitement wore off I found IMT rather boring and became much of a loner. MBA students are not your typical friend material... The standard of friendships I had seen in the days before had been way higher.... I was rather disappointed & hurt by people at IMT. My grades dipped, I lost my confidence and for the first time in my life I became an unpopular & average student. Parties & drinking were the only things that interested me. The time spent at IMT was not the high point of my life. As I had been relieved to get through I was also relieved to have passed out.

2007-2008: After 2 years of an average student life I was looking forward to working as an MT at ICICI Prudential. It wasnt the best company on campus but what could I expect after the disinterest I had shown in my placement. My worklife began in mumbai as our induction conducted there. We stayed in a fancy hotel on Juhu Beach. I was placed in mumbai but my stupidity or fate (whatever you may call it) brought me back to Delhi & I found myself a house in GK I. After spending 15 days in mumbai I absolutely hated coming back to Delhi. After being a loner for years I also hated working as I didnt like conversing with people. I found myself falling into a depression. This is when I became a scientology follower. I spent all my free time on weekdays and weekends at the scientology center. I couldnt help it.... I had to get out of that self pity mode, get rid of the past and move on. I must have spent atleast 25 thousand rupees on scientology. It did help me a great deal!! I started taking caring of my looks, started dressing up, regained my confidence, starting opening up to people and started liking my work. Everyone noticed the change in me, including my parents. After years of aimlessness I had started to get back on track.

2008-2009: Just when everything was going perfectly well for me, I decided to date an absolute Jerk. I can't imagine what I saw in the ass. I thought myself to be completely in love with a stupid Delhi boy & found my self turning into a stupid Delhi girl(rebonded hair and all that). I guess it was also because I was turning 25. Anyways I soon got dumped over phone in the worst possible manner and became quite a joke with that asshole's friends. Getting dumped by the only boy you have dated can be a bit heartbreaking and it did make me miserable for almost a year. I have only just gotten over the whole episode.
The year ended with a transfer to Mumbai & my favourite boss getting sacked.

2009-2010: And what a life altering year it has been. The best & the worst. I was in Mumbai at last, a city where I get the courage to do what I truly want. Thats what I did within 15 days of living there. I dumped the job that I despised (In times of recession & with hardly any savings), walked out of the office movie style and went all over mumbai in a taxi. I stayed in mumbai for 2 months and did everything that I wanted to do, roamed aimlessly all by myself. Went to Pune, Bangalore, Coorg and met all my friends. Then I headed home, I knew it would be difficult and I would be criticised for my activities but i didn't expect melodrama. I really didnt expect being bombarded with Janampatri's and other such things as "Manglik Dosh" & "Vish Kanya Yog". I was made to see a boy for marriage within days of arriving at home, no breathing space. Of course the boy was rejected!! I saw nothing in him.
I couldnt last 15 days at home. As soon as I got a project with WWF I came to delhi and soon after that started working in an NGO named ETASHA.
The Last 6 months have been the most difficult ones. I have been living out of a suitcase, haven't used a pillow in 3 months, haven't laid eyes on all my shoes in a long long time. These are small things but I miss them immensely! Also my EGO has shattered into tiny little pieces. I experienced being broke for the very first time in my Life, borrowed money for the very first time in my life, I even sat in those horrid DTC buses after years, also got robbed of all the money which I got on my birthday...... wouldnt have made it if my friends weren't around! Atleast I know who my real friends are. What else could one want at this age?

Its time to move again!! I have got a new job in a new city. This time around I want to stay put, want a place which I can call home and which is mine alone....I guess this is what my dreams are telling me... I no longer want to be a vagabond....I need a place which I can call HOME!!

One would think why I am not dreaming of the times before I went to Welham. Well I went through a few life shattering events in those days..... maybe I will talk about them when I have a little more Courage.

My Role Model

As I sit down to fill a form for a fellowship i cant seem to answer the first question.

The question being; My Role Model in Life.

There is no one I admired enough to call them my role model . But after pondering over this question i realized that there is a person I have looked up to and wanted to be like since I was a child.

That person is my grandmother!! She is the strongest lady I know and I am really proud of her....

Shani: The lady who named me...

I wrote this one on 22nd May' 09 for a few friends. As i start this blog i can't think of anything which is more appropriate to be the first post.

My nanaji was posted in the CID Branch of Meerut in the late 70's. He had a huge house in saket and had lots of interesting neighbours. At that time my mom was an impressionable girl in her early twenties whose entire world was her books and she hoped to become a librarian so that she could be surrounded by books for a lifetime.
This is when she met Shani. Shani belonged to a highly affluent muslim family. she was married to a polo player who had a love for horses and owned stud farms. They had 2 kids Umar and Rifat.My mom soon became good friends with shani and started calling her shani di. Shani Di started calling my mom and her 2 younger sisters the CID Gurls. They spent their evenings playing cards & gossiping. Shani di had been to the good schools and colleges. she tought my mom a lot of things much like an elder sister, which my mom remembers till date.

My mom got married moved to bareilly but she remained in touch with her beloved shani di as my nanaji was still posted in Meerut.

In 1982 feb my mother got a letter from one of her sister that Umar shani di's son passed away due to high fever. Thus began Shani di's downfall. she became aloof, stopped meeting people, became depressed.

A year and a half later in 1983 august I was born. My parents & family named me Pallavi. When I was fifteen days old my mom took me to meerut.This is when Shani Di told my mom to change my name to Pankhuri. She told mom that it had to be pronounced Pankhuri and not Pankhudi. My mom changed my name..... Thank God for that!!! I cant imagine being called Pallavi. My Nanaji retired and moved from meerut.

My mom stopped going to meerut as she got busy with her married life. In 1989 Shani Di & family moved to bangalore as meerut became a depressing place where she couldnt get over the sudden death of her son.Thats the reason why i never met her. But all my life I heard my mom rave about her.

This month when i resigned i decided to go to bangalore to meet my friends. This is when i asked my mom to find shani di's number which was difficuilt. My mom got the number of Shani di's house in Meerut from a family friend. Those people gave her brother tashi's no. Tashi gave his mother's no. Shani's Mom gave Rifat's no. My Mom gave me Rifat's No. I was scared to call rifat because i had been told that shani di doesnt meet any one. She takes anti-depressants as her depression has worsened after her husband's death in 2000.

I collected my guts as i really wanted to meet shani di. I got the address & went to rifats house today.But to my suprise & happiness Rifat was able to convince her mom to meet me. Infact Rifats daughters (age 5 & 10) were waiting for my arrival.

Shani Di was looking very different from the glamourous photographs that had been taken in my moms marriage.She was pretty dazed. she didnt recall naming me. The irony of it was that she even asked what my name meant & Rifat asked me how it was pronounced.Though she did recall the card sessions she had with my mom. She hugged me like i was her own daughter. She told me that no one had been as close to her as my mother. Infact when i was leaving she gave me a few gifts a necklace, a perfume, a jewellery Box, Chocolates & a card signed Shani Masi. I was almost in tears as no one had ever given me a collection of Gifts. Though i am in a habbit of giving gifts like that. Maybe that is something i picked up from Shani masi.