Because yesterday was International Women's Day....and we are now in 2020

Till a few years ago I  was extremely proud of my independent self and the fact that I could not be intimidated by most people.
But for a woman doing as u wish comes with a price......I am still coming to terms with being disliked for not sticking to traditional gender roles.....

Had I learnt to dress up a little more....I would have been loved a little more.
Had I sweet-talked ....I would have been loved a little more.
Had I not voiced my opinion.....I would have been loved a little more.
Had I not argued for what I thought was my right .....I would have been loved a little more.
Had I accepted being shamed and being talked down to ....I would have been loved a little more.
Had I only stuck to the gender roles expected of me...I would have been loved a little more.

Basically I can break in to the song "The man" by Taylor swift!

I'm so sick of running
As fast as I can (as fast as I can)
Wondering if I'd get there quicker
If I was a man (hey!)

And I'm so sick of them
Coming at me again (coming at me again!)
'Cause if I was a man (if I was man)
Then I'd be the man
I'd be the man
I'd be the man (oh)
I'd be the man (yeah)
I'd be the man (I'd be the man)

Mountain Story - 16/12/2010

There comes a time when one gets tired of climbing the mountains, tired of putting an effort, tired of fighting and one leaves it to fate. That time has come for me now…...”No! I was not always this weak…but the unthinkable has happened and that bloody mountain my friend has weakened me!!”

I always looked at life as a series of hills and mountains which had to be climbed…..I had to keep going higher and higher…..if I climbed a wrong one …I would sprint  downhill even though I was just 100 feet from the summit. People would laugh at me and say “you should have seen the view at least you went all the way” …I wondered if I should have seen the view but i think I would be just wasting my time going any further! If I slipped down I would brush myself, rest a little and climb again….sometimes a wave of impulse would make me go skiing taking me down down down….I would curse myself for getting carried away, break the skis, take a pledge to not repeat such impulsive acts and get going!!

I started climbing these mountains a little early……I had a tough time too cause I got impulsive so many times….I fell almost double the times!

Sometime back I saw a perfect range of mountains, an idea formed in my mind….…I want my house up on that mountain and I know it has the perfect view…..but it seems so far away…I have heard it’s the toughest to climb….people say I will only fall as its too steep, some say its prone to landslides…even if I climbed and built my house over there it will be rubble before I knew it…but I have to see that view even if it is for a day, a few hours…..i will store it in my minds eye forever!

I was so hell bent upon on climbing that tough mountain and that mountain alone that having fallen from it I find myself in horrid plains…..the mountains are not calling me no more and I am so done!

I am not a Punching bag!

Well it has been more than 2 years since I last wrote......I thought about writing so many times but somehow couldn't get myself to.....

Guess what got me writing finally ???......none other then a realization at work....a realization that I love speaking and facilitating and interacting and telling.....which is apparent from the fact that I love talking about incidents that happen in my life.....and my constant need for attention leads me to this blog once in a while .

The realization I had today after taking an induction session for new joinees was  I love taking training sessions......what I love even more is the positive feedback I receive at the end of it! I love being the focal point of an event......love being under the spotlight, love dancing on stage, love acting, love being the elder child! And as linda goodman says about Leo women, I love being a sunflower not a wallflower!

This realization got me to think about my career.....and my job.....the fact that I am an hr manager.....a person who has to constantly take criticism ......act as a punching bag! Well I was not born to be a punching bag.....I was born to punch ......and isn't it high time I started punching!

And so I decided to punch in a few words...and found myself opening facebook ....where i ended up writing the longest status  update ever! And when the status update became tooo long.....for all that was not written.....I finally opened  my blog!

And suddenly there were so many realizations, thoughts, words flowing out of me........

In the last 2 years I have slowly and steadily allowed my self to become a punching bag! This realization is so strong and so clear to me to me now!  I have allowed things to happen to me....I have not made things happen!

I have let myself be bullied, criticised......I have withdrawn my self from the world , people, life I knew!

A lot many people say I have become a calmer, happier person! But the ones who have witnessed my most workoholic, ambitious, aggressive, angry, crazy, vulnerable, lovelorn, or even drunk avatar.....know that the person they knew is gone! It's because I have been punched tooo hard ......I long for the day it would stop!

This does not mean I am not loved, adored or cared for! I have the most loving husband, the most adorable dog, a life a lot would envy!!

What I loathe is being this round, slouching, torn punching bag......I wish to be my old self, I so wish that the person I love most....could have seen me in a state in which I was loved most, a state of me I loved most!

The newborn pigeons are back........

I am sure most of you have read the "The Last Leaf" .......The pigeons are very much like the last leaf of my life.....Well how did the pigeons become the Last Leaf......especially when they make my small little looo smell....stare at me like i am sm intruder...make me feel uncomfortable (and its my looo....its my house....how dare they!)....give me the dirts every time i flush down the smokes (i dont want the maid to know....they talk u know....its a small little town, all my neighbours are those typical housewives ....the nighty with chunni variety)

Welll i am diverting....the story goes like this.

The first time i visited this house of mine I saw a nest in my looooo.....i was like let me throw this out....i cant have birds living in my looo and dirty it.....but shweta stopped me. She said "its a good sign"......and i believed!

Soon mom dad came to Jsr and i moved into the house....and what did i see 2 baby pigeons with the mama pigeon....and i thought what sort of a good sign is this?!! " am i going to have babies in this house....no way not in this town". Dad left in a week....but mom stayed on for almost a month!! Thats the longest time i ve spent with mom alone like everrrrrr in my life!! I never got her full fledged attention prior to that maybe till before my brother was born but never since then (and i wouldnt remember it coz i was 2 when my bro was born 13th & 14th august are our Bdays) .

And I had sm great fun settling the new house....water the plants, do pooja, manage the maids, buy the veggies and also drive the car and work....I had never multitasked like that before. I had never bought vegetables ever ( ok maybe one or 2 odd times a few tomatoes and onions but thats about it).....so alll this was verrrry new for me!! The most stressfull was praying everymorning.....i had never done that either (i actually felt like i was doing sm drama...praying has to cm from within or is it sm routine that we must follow)....and drive to the office (that was just unimaginable....me driving and not giving directions to a cabbie or an autowala....how was i pulling this off).....and while all this was happening the pigeons were growing tooo....first they were those ugly yellow haired pink things...then they shed that ugly hair and grew sm wings and before i knew they had learnt to fly and their mom left them and so did mine!!!

The moms left and the baby pigeons and i were left alone in this shady house!! I would look at them and they would look at me....and i would say how are we going to manage this and to top it all my boss and my colleague decided to leave tooooo........so here i was alone at home and at work, but i had my pigeons and one fine day they were gone tooo!!

Most of you know the story after that....i had a rough rough time.....an accident on road, many at work, the non-existing love life died and so did a few plants.

But i pulled through...and five months after i am a pro at most things!! I can drive fast, i can even keep a fast, no one knows hw to run the house better than me, the plants are alive and kicking.....the love life is still dead though ;-) or maybe its not!!

Looks like the wrk will improve toooo and if not who cares coz the pigeon is back and there are 2 new borns and guess what my mom is cming toooooo!!!

Thats what friends are for......

Just a few hrs back i was sulking coz i am back in JSR......but i had an amazing bitching session over dinner with Deepika and i am back....i suddenly realized i need to write things down and thank each one of u for pulling me out of the mess i got into last year....i met a few of you, some i cudnt cause i just didnt have the time and some coz they didnt have the time.....maybe next time!!

Did u notice the number of i's have used in the last para?????? Total 10. Shit!! I am a SELF OBSESSED Bitch!! So this post aint going to be about me its about alll of u who have beeeen such amazing friends.....i love u loads (hugs & kissess)!! What better day then the 1st sunday of August (Friendship Day)....the start of the fav part of the year & my Bday month!!

I dont know from whom to start.....maybe i shud start with what i had written in my last post....last year was the year i truly came to know who my true friends were....some broke my heart....some new ones just came and filled up the gaps....and some remained with me like they had in the past!!

Let me start with Rishiparna.....she really suprised me....i didnt know how great a friend she was till i moved to bombay....u were the first person who actually came and dropped me to the airport and picked me up from the station .....seriously prior to that only parents had that right....i was the independent young gurl lugggging the luggage always!! When i came back to delhi jobless and alll .....this spoilt only daughter who had never shared her roooom with anyone....shared everything with me.....thanks babe i must have been such a pain! U were my anchor.

Preeti and Swati.....u guys really heard me out...be it on G Talk, Maxims, in your house, u were always there to listen to me.....I dont knw how much money i borrowed.....i lost count after a point....Swati u actually became my bank at times!!

Natasha & Prakash.....they are the ones who made me party even in those horrid days.....kept the scotch flowing and gave me hope....the only partying that i did was with the 2 of u!!! Its sad that we cudnt have a session when i was in delhi.....maybe next time! Natasha love u a lot.....we relate at another level....the village gurls who went to boarding schools, we are stubborn and we are fighters....no we dont give in that easily...no matter what! For all those ppl who think we have tooo much attitude and are snobs....the simple truth is that we dont know how to fake affection and we love ourselves more than anything else in the world!

Swapnil......i guess both of us were going thru the same phase....it really brought us together... we sulked & cried over the same things!! First the joblessness and then the constant pressure to get married and other such things like horrid boys we were made to see!! I guess i was more stubborn and further away from parents that i have stuck it out till now.....my times cming toooo i guess!! Do excuse me if i have been bitchy in any way....give me a calll one of these days....i have loads to telll u!

Abhishek Dahuja......Good boy...I never really considered u a friend back in the C 82 days....tune to mujhe FB pe block kiya tha....iski kahani bhi bata de....kaun tha iske piche!! i was very hurt! anyways u entertained us during meals and gave the much required moral support at times!! Hum tere barein mein kaafi gossips karte the ;-) Ab hum tujhe bad boy bana ke manein ge!

U guys were the ones who kept me going in those bad days....but things did start looking better when i got a Job in the NGO....

And then Jamshedpur happened!

Shweta.....I wudnt have survived this village if it werent for u!! First u got me hooked to a healthy diet....then i was gyming....and loosing all those kilos....then the amazing advise on dressing up and necklaces and earings and other gurlie stuff.....the N number of visits to dupatta Sagar. If u hadnt handed over the keys of your car and told me to drive....i guess i wud have been taking the shared auto to office.
There are not too many ppl i am in awe of .....i guess u are one of them.... a real daring babe!! If I had a daughter i wud tell her to be like shweta aunty!!

Deepika: Babe i think we have had a ball the last 2 months, we are having a blast in JSR udaaan style.....i was like we do exactly the same things....driving arnd like freaks, going to the lake and all the other small town funnn....like running in the bistupur market....khabar's that make it to prabhat khabar (Local Daily of JSR), XLRI roof top, 10th milestone, marine drive, little italy....... Rolling down the window and saying hellllllooooo to random boy was the funniest...i actually thought it was Raghu....ofcourse it is much fun laughing at the likes of our veryyyy own Tom Cruise. Welll we must make it to ASPIRE! We must stop each other from going overboard....crazies that we are! Well there is always that one friend you spend the max time with...In JSR you are the one!!

Welll there are many of u who are constants.....friends who remain forever....i may not meet u....i may not talk to u in ages....Hell nowdays facebook takes care of that!!

Pooja, Juhi, Manvi, Kavi, Shreya, Smitha, Ankit...i havent written a wrd abt u guys, except shreya i havent met most of u in ages.....but u are my constants.....love u and miss u loads!!

The Life of a Vagabond....

Since a week I can't seem to stop thinking about my life at Welham; a boarding school where I spent 7 years of my life from 1994-2001. I can't seem to shake off this strange feeling of nostalgia.....even in my dreams I go back to Welham...the only place I felt at home.

The reason for it struck me when I googled the meaning of the word 'vagabond'. It means "a rootless wanderer"; an aimless wanderer who has no established residence.

My life after school has been of a vagabond. For the last 8 years I have not stayed in a place for more than 2 years. I have not known a place which I could truly call home. I have constantly drifted from one place to another in search of some unknown thing.

I want to write about the last 8 years and the places where I have lived. I am not mentioning anything about the holidays and vacations when I went home.

2001-02: This was my first year in Delhi and also my first year at Shaheed Bhagat Singh College. I lived with my cousins in gurgaon for 7 months. After long years at an all girls boarding school I found it traumatizing to sit in those haryana roadways buses from mehrauli to gurgaon...I didn't know men could be that disgusting. I found Delhites rude, materialistic, narrowminded and absolute hypocrites. The Delhi weather was another story.... my definition of monsoons & winters changed soon. Thankfully I moved from gurgaon as my cousin sister got married and I went to bareilly for a few months. I gave my first year exams from my taiji's house in Delhi. After the experiences that year I decided to never stay with relatives again!

2002-03: I moved to Dolly's PG in Kailash Colony. I made Lifelong Friends in this place, got drunk for the verrrry first time. Made endless trips to M-block market & got bad stares from salesmen for never buying anything. We didnt have a night life because we had to report to the PG by 8 ' O clock. Our nights were mostly spent gossiping, cooking maggi or watching TV.
This was the year I got my first ever nervous break down during exams. My parents had to rush to Delhi as I couldnt stop crying and thought I would flunk all my papers. Prior to this the only time I had shed a tear over studies was when I got 83% in my class 12 boards.

2003-04: I spent 10 months in the same PG and got thrown out for getting Jaundice during my third year final exams. I was even asked to get a medical certificate which said that jaundice was not contagious. The last 20 days of my college life were spent at my father's friend's house in vasant kunj. Thankfully I only flunked one paper!!
This was the year my parents made me see a boy for marriage just 10 days before CAT. I thought my life had ended.....I was worried about the many crushes....what would happen to them??

2004-05: I went to live at home after 10 years. I spent 4 months in Bareilly recovering from Jaundice, 3 months at my mausi's house in Lucknow where I prepared for CAT, I spent the remaining 5 months in Bareilly, I also worked at career launcher for 2 months. I kept going to Delhi for MBA entrance exams and interviews.... the only time I spent with my friends that year. The good thing about this year was that I got to stay with my family and actually got to know them.

2005-2007: After a year at home I was extremely relieved to be on my own again. I was an MBA student at IMT Ghaziabad....the most exciting part was that I finally had no restrictions. I could do as I wanted. I did get a culture shock initially...the freshers party was the first time I had been around so many drunk Boys....and what with the boys living in the girls rooms and vice versa. No one would believe me but it took me a month to visit the boys lobby. After the initial excitement wore off I found IMT rather boring and became much of a loner. MBA students are not your typical friend material... The standard of friendships I had seen in the days before had been way higher.... I was rather disappointed & hurt by people at IMT. My grades dipped, I lost my confidence and for the first time in my life I became an unpopular & average student. Parties & drinking were the only things that interested me. The time spent at IMT was not the high point of my life. As I had been relieved to get through I was also relieved to have passed out.

2007-2008: After 2 years of an average student life I was looking forward to working as an MT at ICICI Prudential. It wasnt the best company on campus but what could I expect after the disinterest I had shown in my placement. My worklife began in mumbai as our induction conducted there. We stayed in a fancy hotel on Juhu Beach. I was placed in mumbai but my stupidity or fate (whatever you may call it) brought me back to Delhi & I found myself a house in GK I. After spending 15 days in mumbai I absolutely hated coming back to Delhi. After being a loner for years I also hated working as I didnt like conversing with people. I found myself falling into a depression. This is when I became a scientology follower. I spent all my free time on weekdays and weekends at the scientology center. I couldnt help it.... I had to get out of that self pity mode, get rid of the past and move on. I must have spent atleast 25 thousand rupees on scientology. It did help me a great deal!! I started taking caring of my looks, started dressing up, regained my confidence, starting opening up to people and started liking my work. Everyone noticed the change in me, including my parents. After years of aimlessness I had started to get back on track.

2008-2009: Just when everything was going perfectly well for me, I decided to date an absolute Jerk. I can't imagine what I saw in the ass. I thought myself to be completely in love with a stupid Delhi boy & found my self turning into a stupid Delhi girl(rebonded hair and all that). I guess it was also because I was turning 25. Anyways I soon got dumped over phone in the worst possible manner and became quite a joke with that asshole's friends. Getting dumped by the only boy you have dated can be a bit heartbreaking and it did make me miserable for almost a year. I have only just gotten over the whole episode.
The year ended with a transfer to Mumbai & my favourite boss getting sacked.

2009-2010: And what a life altering year it has been. The best & the worst. I was in Mumbai at last, a city where I get the courage to do what I truly want. Thats what I did within 15 days of living there. I dumped the job that I despised (In times of recession & with hardly any savings), walked out of the office movie style and went all over mumbai in a taxi. I stayed in mumbai for 2 months and did everything that I wanted to do, roamed aimlessly all by myself. Went to Pune, Bangalore, Coorg and met all my friends. Then I headed home, I knew it would be difficult and I would be criticised for my activities but i didn't expect melodrama. I really didnt expect being bombarded with Janampatri's and other such things as "Manglik Dosh" & "Vish Kanya Yog". I was made to see a boy for marriage within days of arriving at home, no breathing space. Of course the boy was rejected!! I saw nothing in him.
I couldnt last 15 days at home. As soon as I got a project with WWF I came to delhi and soon after that started working in an NGO named ETASHA.
The Last 6 months have been the most difficult ones. I have been living out of a suitcase, haven't used a pillow in 3 months, haven't laid eyes on all my shoes in a long long time. These are small things but I miss them immensely! Also my EGO has shattered into tiny little pieces. I experienced being broke for the very first time in my Life, borrowed money for the very first time in my life, I even sat in those horrid DTC buses after years, also got robbed of all the money which I got on my birthday...... wouldnt have made it if my friends weren't around! Atleast I know who my real friends are. What else could one want at this age?

Its time to move again!! I have got a new job in a new city. This time around I want to stay put, want a place which I can call home and which is mine alone....I guess this is what my dreams are telling me... I no longer want to be a vagabond....I need a place which I can call HOME!!

One would think why I am not dreaming of the times before I went to Welham. Well I went through a few life shattering events in those days..... maybe I will talk about them when I have a little more Courage.

My Role Model

As I sit down to fill a form for a fellowship i cant seem to answer the first question.

The question being; My Role Model in Life.

There is no one I admired enough to call them my role model . But after pondering over this question i realized that there is a person I have looked up to and wanted to be like since I was a child.

That person is my grandmother!! She is the strongest lady I know and I am really proud of her....